But wait...there's more!

So a few hours after receiving naked pic guy's email, i update my profile to explicitly warn guys not to email me if they want random hook-ups, live more than 30 miles away; to refrain from sending me pics of their upright body parts, etc.
i get an email from the cute, granola-y, campy smart guy. wants to let me know upfront that he's happily married in an open relationship and would like to do something sly and flirty if "that's what I'm into."

I'm so confused. I have never had this many offers for sex from paying personal sites ever. this isn't craigslist. these are sites that Dr. Phil recommends, or where i met the awesome guy a few months ago. what is happening? is there special pollen on the east coast that's infecting boys out here? it's like horny zombies are crawling out of their offices and into the eastern metropolises, in search of one thing: human flesh.

And now...

I received a message today on the onions personals (fastcupid/salon/nerve whathaveyou). It was from a man in NY who will be in DC today for business. He wanted to know if I would like to get together with him tonight "to see what happens. Chemistry permitting, of course."

Included with this message? a picture of his erect penis.

wow. THANKS CREEPY DUDE!

Is is possible that my profile contains some sort of subliminal message which says "I am all about the f/ucking"?

Sigh.

Dating Woes.

B-Baltimore told me I should be blogging more. All of the recent bad dates? Total blogging material, he says. So here I am, back to writing my on-line journal of sorts. Aren't you so glad I'm back? By the way, B and I started a new blog, Dealing With Normals. It might prove useful for some of you.

Back to this one, though...

The writer and I broke up last month. and the month before. i met him on-line a few weeks after re-joining that world for the first time in a few years. so lucky so quick. wonderful guy, amicable breakup...it gave me a bit of (false) hope that other wonderful awesome guys were just waiting on the internets for me to appear on their screen and in their lives. i am on three online dating sites currently, but the one which has given us the most fodder for today's post is match.com. Holy hell. And here we go.

1. The Cokehead. I answered his email because his profile was funny; he noticed the recurrent theme of many of the profiles about which my friends and I had bantered on numerous occasions. "Likes to travel," "Laid-back," "Likes to have fun." So, after a few emails back and forth, he asked me out to an Eritrean restaurant and drinks afterward at a nearby bar.

Breaking my cardinal rule of biking to the date location, I let him pick me up near my house. He was well-dressed, very fashionable, driving a practical but nice car...no white van missing windows and looked like his profile picture. Already off to a good start!

I get in the car, and he seems pretty amped. I mean, he has WAY more jitters than a first date might normally induce. And his nose is pretty runny. But hey, you already know my nickname for him, so you can probably tell why already!

The Eritrean restaurant was delicious, but my stomach didn't love all the spices as much as my mouth did. Nice jittery guy got us a cab, hopped out of the cab at a CVS and got me sum tums.* We got out of the cab, started walking toward the bar, when my date admitted his nose was running so much because he had "partied with a friend" earlier that day. Oh, and I'm gonna go ahead and have a few bumps more, would you mind? A true gentleman, he offered me a few lines as well.

Awww.

I of course declined, and I'm no prude--I've had pals in college whose noses ran, too, so I wasn't necessarily shocked that my date's nose would run, but THIS WAS OUR FIRST DATE. maybe keep the coke at home until we know if we hit if off...make it a TINY bit more difficult for me to completely write you off.


2. Sack Guy
So I started emailing a few days ago with Sack Guy. He's finished law school, passed the bar, and is now in medical school. He's a smarty pants, with degrees from all our finest universities. Also, pretty funny profile. Avoided all of the match cliches, and looked kinda cute in his profile pic to boot.

Yesterday, we moved the emailing to our regular email accounts as his subscription was running out that day. We started chatting on gmail, and about an hour into the chat, started talking about what blows about match...namely, the uninteresting homogeneous pool of potential dates. After talking about the "fun-lovers", Dr. Sack tells me another thing he hates is cockblocking. I expressed confusion...how does one cockblock on a dating site? He explains that it's the in-person cockblocking.

Me: Huh? you're on a date and your DATE cockblocks you?

Sack: Yeah, your date isn't into you and doesn't want you to hit on others...

*At this point, I'm already thinking about the increasing odds that this guy is an asshole.

Me: I would probably be a little offended if my date walked away mid-sentence and slid his arm around a stranger at a bar.

Sack: It's sort of like, we're on date 5, and it's not going to happen. That's the usual way it comes up. I think they're usually banging other guys and want me to buy them shit and give them attention.

Me: Huh.

Sack: God I haven't been laid in a while. My sack is heavy.

--End of Transmission--

Now I see why a cute, funny lawyer/doctor is single. Because he's really a giant walking penis with degrees dangling like penis earrings.


3. The Leg Man.

I was contacted by a cute professional in Brooklyn. Italian.

First email: Can you elaborate at all on leg-wrestling? I'd also like to read your explanation as to why your calves are your best feature.

I mention in my profile that I was an undefeated leg wrestling champion until recently. And under best feature, it says calves. So, sure, this is all harmless, right? RIGHT?

Indulging the request, I explain the mechanics of leg wrestling (not really a sexy sport...it's like thumb wrestling for legs). I talk about riding bikes. Rather, I kind of brag about riding bikes. It's my thing, I'm good at it, and as we've read over and over again on this blog, I have unusually strong man-like legs with girl ankles.

A few emails in, he asks for a picture of my calves. I'm still thinking at this point that he's joking about being so into my descriptions of winning races with my "raw awesome strength." I'm joking as I write it, he must be joking as he responds. the request for a calf picture must be just another round in the game.

Then I heard "my sack is heavy" from Dr. Sack, and think, "Maybe all guys ARE really creepy..." So I email Leg Man and tell him that I need to know more about him before I send any pictures along...at this point, he's earned a wrist.

The reply I get is the most desperate thing I've ever read...he thinks I'm lording my calves over him like some prize because he's divulged what most turns him on and now HE FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE. He'd already offered to take a train down to DC, what more do i possible want?

HOW ABOUT KNOWING YOU BEFORE SHOWING YOU THE SEXUAL EQUIVALENT OF MY NIPPLES (for him, anyway).

4. Frisky. Cute, mature-looking guy talking about how he's now in his thirties and is ready for the real thing (not his exact words, but I'm summarizing for you). Talks about how he's grown and probably screwed up a lot of potentially good relationships in his twenties, but remember, we're in our thirties now. Also, talks about wanting someone who can teach him stuff he doesn't know--clearly interested in brains!

I wink. He winks. I email:

the romans rounded pi to 3. it's an architectural marvel that the colosseum held up so well.

David Foster Wallace loved the first terminator movie.

macguyver's first name was angus.

If you know of a good place to watch blues/jazz, I'd love to have you show me!

Cheers,
Slickaphonic

He responds back telling me where he lives, asking if we'd like to get a drink soon. I tell him my neighborhood, and ask, "maybe this weekend?"

That's when Mr. 30's decides to go back to Mr. 20's. "I just opened up a bottle of wine and I'm feeling frisky! Want to come over?"

Me: "Sorry, I'm busy tonight, but if you'd like to go out this weekend..."

Him: "okay. Well, here's my number...give me a call if you're frisky."

WHAT IS UP WITH THE FRISK, DUDE? No, I don't feel frisky. You want a prostitute, not a girlfriend. they're frisky All_the_time!
***

I had talked about the Cokehead to the Writer, and he explained it like this: "you're a freak. you're going to attract other freaks. and some of those freaks are going to be cokehead freaks."


I guess in conclusion...

PLEASE HELP!