Asymmetry of Experience
I am always uncomfortable when two or more people are present for the same set of objective events, and yet have wildly different experiences regarding them. For example, for those of you who read *The Story*, Sebastian and I read the same emails, heard the same conversations, were on the same weekend-long date; he ended up being the impetus in my life for an overhaul in my thought processes and the starting point on a journey of self-reflection and change. I, to him, am probably a funny story to be shared with friends and future girlfriends.
There's a friend of mine here who has been present for every conversation we've had together, has not blacked out during any of our outings, and yet thinks that we have something *more* than friendship; I know with certainty there will never be anything more than what there is--and I wonder if what we do have can survive this asymmetry.
I went on a first date with a person after exchanging about two emails. We met, I mainly amused myself during the hour-long brunch, and then forgot his name on my fifteen minute walk home. I received a minor tsunami of emails about a month later from said boy asking me why I hadn't returned his emails or phone calls (in truth, my phone hadn't worked, but I probably wouldn't have returned his calls anyway at that time--and I didn't remember having read any of his emails before). He thought we had shared a fantastic date and, further, should and would be having many more. I wondered whether we had, in fact, been on the same date.
My much younger cousin recently contacted me after about six years of absence. The nine-or-so times we saw each other as children, she made my life consistently (and purposefully) horrible. She was manipulative and deceitful--but she was also a child. I am not, therefore, maintaining that she is still the devil's spawn, but I was a bit surprised to read her email: "I've missed you sooo much! I love you and really want to get together soon!"
I have not missed her. I do not love her. I do not want to get together, anytime. She is a stranger, at best, and a source of old irritations and misery, at worst.
It always makes me uncomfortable when this sort of asymmetry arises because it just serves to underscore the fact that humans, by and large, create their own reality. One could not exist in this world if he or she did not have a filter for every single sensory input--be it words or sights or feelings. So how can we ever hope to understand another person when we have not only no true common history, but no common present? Is that the real goal in finding friends or sig-o's? Just finding someone who uses a similar filter? Who might possibly interpret the same events in a similar manner?
love you all, and have missed you soooo much. (note: this last line was just funny to me, but I have actually missed my exchanges with you all).
There's a friend of mine here who has been present for every conversation we've had together, has not blacked out during any of our outings, and yet thinks that we have something *more* than friendship; I know with certainty there will never be anything more than what there is--and I wonder if what we do have can survive this asymmetry.
I went on a first date with a person after exchanging about two emails. We met, I mainly amused myself during the hour-long brunch, and then forgot his name on my fifteen minute walk home. I received a minor tsunami of emails about a month later from said boy asking me why I hadn't returned his emails or phone calls (in truth, my phone hadn't worked, but I probably wouldn't have returned his calls anyway at that time--and I didn't remember having read any of his emails before). He thought we had shared a fantastic date and, further, should and would be having many more. I wondered whether we had, in fact, been on the same date.
My much younger cousin recently contacted me after about six years of absence. The nine-or-so times we saw each other as children, she made my life consistently (and purposefully) horrible. She was manipulative and deceitful--but she was also a child. I am not, therefore, maintaining that she is still the devil's spawn, but I was a bit surprised to read her email: "I've missed you sooo much! I love you and really want to get together soon!"
I have not missed her. I do not love her. I do not want to get together, anytime. She is a stranger, at best, and a source of old irritations and misery, at worst.
It always makes me uncomfortable when this sort of asymmetry arises because it just serves to underscore the fact that humans, by and large, create their own reality. One could not exist in this world if he or she did not have a filter for every single sensory input--be it words or sights or feelings. So how can we ever hope to understand another person when we have not only no true common history, but no common present? Is that the real goal in finding friends or sig-o's? Just finding someone who uses a similar filter? Who might possibly interpret the same events in a similar manner?
love you all, and have missed you soooo much. (note: this last line was just funny to me, but I have actually missed my exchanges with you all).
Labels: Relationships
posted by slickaphonic at 4:15 PM
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