A Guide To Recognizing Your Assholes
Yes, this post has been ruminating for some time, a research project in the archives of my head. I've thought a lot about which characteristics actually work to form an asshole's nature; it is not the simplest task. The world is not divided into Michael Myers and Mother Theresa clones. The person I was seeing earlier this year was not a sociopath, was not malicious, did not put "Screw Slickaphonic" on his daily to-do list. I don't believe he is evil, or an inherently "bad" person, but he is indeed an asshole. So, my archival research has led me to conclude the following about assholes:
1.) Poor Theory of Mind
-The asshole is unable to conceive of emotions not felt by the asshole, him/herself. Therefore, the asshole will appear reckless in his behavior toward others. For instance, PIDE (person I dated earlier) knew I still had non-platonic feelings and was not completely okay with our new platonic relationship. Two weeks after the abrupt breakup, PIDE invited me to a house party where everyone in the house but me knew that he was sleeping with a very, um, not awesome person. The odds were outstanding that I would learn this completely unanticipated information in public, among and from his friends. He did not invite me to the party hoping to hurt me, but he, being quite okay with our platonic situation, could not conceive of my feelings in that situation. Nor could he comprehend how very terrible such a public setting would be for me to learn this information, given my, ahem, "issues." Again, not malicious, just a very poor theory of mind.
2.) Narcissistic Tendencies
-I've also recently learned to make the distinction between "Cares About Me" and "Cares About My Opinion of Him/Her". This subtle distinction implies very different behavior. Assholes generally do not actually care about a person; rather, they care about that person's opinion of him/her. For instance, after behaving badly, an asshole will not ask whether you are okay or what will help you to actually feel better, but will instead ask what you think about him/her. The asshole will most likely attempt to explain his or her behavior noting how very sorry they feel that you are upset. However, the asshole will not actually take responsibility for his or her actions and will instead attempt to assure you of his or her good person status. Note: assholes' apologies are frequently attempts by the asshole to gain assurance that he or she is not, in fact, an asshole. Assholes will pursue your affection despite being incapable of responsibly caring for your feelings. Your opinion of them is important; your well-being is not.
3.) Technicality Players
-This one most irks me. An asshole will hold you to all conversations which may have been relevant to the social contract you have been writing together. If there's a loophole, the asshole will seize upon it and claim awesome person status due to technicalities. Perhaps you have discussed monogamy with regards to intercourse, but did not specifically discuss oral sex. An asshole will truly believe that he or she is a good and honest person if he/she abstains from intercourse with others while blowing the Brazilian soccer team. Rarely is someone awesome by technicality.
Slickaphonic: Technically awesome since 1978.
1.) Poor Theory of Mind
-The asshole is unable to conceive of emotions not felt by the asshole, him/herself. Therefore, the asshole will appear reckless in his behavior toward others. For instance, PIDE (person I dated earlier) knew I still had non-platonic feelings and was not completely okay with our new platonic relationship. Two weeks after the abrupt breakup, PIDE invited me to a house party where everyone in the house but me knew that he was sleeping with a very, um, not awesome person. The odds were outstanding that I would learn this completely unanticipated information in public, among and from his friends. He did not invite me to the party hoping to hurt me, but he, being quite okay with our platonic situation, could not conceive of my feelings in that situation. Nor could he comprehend how very terrible such a public setting would be for me to learn this information, given my, ahem, "issues." Again, not malicious, just a very poor theory of mind.
2.) Narcissistic Tendencies
-I've also recently learned to make the distinction between "Cares About Me" and "Cares About My Opinion of Him/Her". This subtle distinction implies very different behavior. Assholes generally do not actually care about a person; rather, they care about that person's opinion of him/her. For instance, after behaving badly, an asshole will not ask whether you are okay or what will help you to actually feel better, but will instead ask what you think about him/her. The asshole will most likely attempt to explain his or her behavior noting how very sorry they feel that you are upset. However, the asshole will not actually take responsibility for his or her actions and will instead attempt to assure you of his or her good person status. Note: assholes' apologies are frequently attempts by the asshole to gain assurance that he or she is not, in fact, an asshole. Assholes will pursue your affection despite being incapable of responsibly caring for your feelings. Your opinion of them is important; your well-being is not.
3.) Technicality Players
-This one most irks me. An asshole will hold you to all conversations which may have been relevant to the social contract you have been writing together. If there's a loophole, the asshole will seize upon it and claim awesome person status due to technicalities. Perhaps you have discussed monogamy with regards to intercourse, but did not specifically discuss oral sex. An asshole will truly believe that he or she is a good and honest person if he/she abstains from intercourse with others while blowing the Brazilian soccer team. Rarely is someone awesome by technicality.
Slickaphonic: Technically awesome since 1978.
posted by slickaphonic at 8:28 PM
2 Comments:
PIDE is a brilliant acronym. I'm takin it!
I'm technically awesome, technically brilliant.
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