How to Become Vulnerable
I wish I had a better answer to that title. Quick to share stories from my life, I rarely share the emotions that swim beneath them. I remember being shocked when a man I was once dating told me how very invulnerable I was; he thought he was giving me some sort of strange compliment, telling me how refreshing it was to find himself dating someone who wasn't baring her soul. I was horrified that to learn that my stories didn't translate into vulnerability...
I've only been in two relationships that could possibly be called "long-term", and in replaying conversations, I realize now that I was loath to share any hint of the intensity of my emotions. I suppose much of myself is still trapped in junior high, afraid to reveal a crush to the wrong person, allow someone to seize upon the weakness of such a revelation. I have no difficulty attracting people, but keeping them around seems to be a task for which I'm ill-suited. It's not that they learn of skeletons in my closet, it's that I never let them past the front door. Sharing "shocking" stories from my past serves as sustenance enough for some time, but after the appetizers, people want real food. And I always leave them hungry.
So, any tips on becoming vulnerable, blog people?
I've only been in two relationships that could possibly be called "long-term", and in replaying conversations, I realize now that I was loath to share any hint of the intensity of my emotions. I suppose much of myself is still trapped in junior high, afraid to reveal a crush to the wrong person, allow someone to seize upon the weakness of such a revelation. I have no difficulty attracting people, but keeping them around seems to be a task for which I'm ill-suited. It's not that they learn of skeletons in my closet, it's that I never let them past the front door. Sharing "shocking" stories from my past serves as sustenance enough for some time, but after the appetizers, people want real food. And I always leave them hungry.
So, any tips on becoming vulnerable, blog people?
Labels: Relationships
posted by slickaphonic at 12:43 AM
6 Comments:
You so kicked my ass with your list of fears, I'm not sure I have anything to teach you. Except to keep doing it on a frequent basis. I try to be better about admitting goofy tender stuff, that might sound creepy or obsessive out of context or viewed without empathy. Like, I breathe in his pillow searching for the smell of him after he's gone.
Ah, but I've only shared that list in blogland...odd, but you and VV (and perhaps a random assortment of lurkers) know more about me than any of my "tangible" friends...I always assume the context will be lost, or the empathy will be lacking.
But when are you going to become tangible, lady? I.e., when is your ass going to be shaking down the California streets?
Well, first let me say that I feel honored to "know" you.
Second, my advice will worth nil considering I suffer the very same problem. I too reveal more on my blog than I do in real life. Part of it is that "paper is kind". I can write something, reveal something through that writing, but no one is looking at my face while I tell the story. There is no witness to my physical presence which might reveal how I really feel.
I find the best way, is to learn how to get down to the humble task of being a friend. Listening, and sharing little by little, without expectation.
It's not easy for deeply emotional people to reveal what churns just below the surface, and protecting it I found has been misinterpreted for "strength", or "untouchable", or "aloof", or "reserved".
Still, I've managed to gather a few people around me who get that what I reveal on the surface barely whispers to what is below, and they've learned to pay closer attention to what I don't say, and not to press me TO say it.
Oh yes, I'm the 'strong' one...how little they truly know.
well, I am just back from California now. And I have not announced it, because I am not sure how to, but I will be on sabbatical from my job for three months, starting January, and living with Michael (yes! he has a name!) somewhere around SF. So, soon. Yippee!
Congratulations! And we must, must arrange a visit! Wow. A real life ttractor.
i shudder with excitement.
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