Depression is Depressing.
I have somehow escaped its clutches again, but depression is really the Big Suck. It's so difficult to deal with because it does not arrive on the scene in one big grande entrance, rendering its condition plainly noticeable. It is not like stubbing your toe. Or suddenly coughing up blood or radioactive green phlegm. No, depression sneaks up gradually, and it slowly changes your baseline so that until you are thoroughly unable to sleep through the night or cry for hours on end, you don't even realize that something might be wrong. Further, I've had tangible reasons lately to account for my miserable mood...it's been quite difficult to disentangle sucky circumstances from sucky brain chemistry.
But then there are moments that shine a bright light onto the situation. For instance, I apparently have "ticklish seratonin levels." My doctor, in prescribing birth control to me, warned that I should not try to quit smoking, or change anything in my routines, so that if I did become depressed, we would know it was the birth control and not some other factor. After two months of taking said pill, I went off it for my week of feminine fun. The first day off, I realized how happy I suddenly was, and further, how miserable I had previously been. But it had happened so gradually that I was unaware of the side effect at all. Now, I knew that getting my period was not a source of newfound joy for me, so I went back to the doctor to get a different prescription.
I hadn't been eating well lately, and this last weekend, was positively catatonic. I wanted to call someone, but getting off of the couch to get my phone and then, ugh, having to punch in numbers and utter sounds seemed too overwhelming. I finally had to take my dog outside, and decided, while out, to pick up something protein-packed for dinner. Immediately, my mood elevated along with my blood sugar, and now I'm eating nuts like they're magic beans.
I wish there was something to be learned here, but the whole point is that until I somehow stumble onto a change which is responsible for my depression, I don't even realize I'm depressed. And that is why it is the Big Suck.
Perhaps I should change this blog's title back to "Conclusion Free Since 1978!".
But then there are moments that shine a bright light onto the situation. For instance, I apparently have "ticklish seratonin levels." My doctor, in prescribing birth control to me, warned that I should not try to quit smoking, or change anything in my routines, so that if I did become depressed, we would know it was the birth control and not some other factor. After two months of taking said pill, I went off it for my week of feminine fun. The first day off, I realized how happy I suddenly was, and further, how miserable I had previously been. But it had happened so gradually that I was unaware of the side effect at all. Now, I knew that getting my period was not a source of newfound joy for me, so I went back to the doctor to get a different prescription.
I hadn't been eating well lately, and this last weekend, was positively catatonic. I wanted to call someone, but getting off of the couch to get my phone and then, ugh, having to punch in numbers and utter sounds seemed too overwhelming. I finally had to take my dog outside, and decided, while out, to pick up something protein-packed for dinner. Immediately, my mood elevated along with my blood sugar, and now I'm eating nuts like they're magic beans.
I wish there was something to be learned here, but the whole point is that until I somehow stumble onto a change which is responsible for my depression, I don't even realize I'm depressed. And that is why it is the Big Suck.
Perhaps I should change this blog's title back to "Conclusion Free Since 1978!".
posted by slickaphonic at 8:37 PM
6 Comments:
I've so been there. That not realizing i'm depressed until coming out of it. Seems silly somehow, but there it is.
gah. sorry to hear it. I am pretty happy to have gone several years now with puppy uppers and no significant depression, something I could never had imagined. Of course, I didn't even get a diagnoses until I was 30, after suffering terrifically for 15 years. So consider yourself ahead of my game, at least.
oops, make that "no puppy uppers"
yeah--i was doing fine, but it was a delicate balance; i.e., take away nicotine-->depression, add birth control-->depression, diet not uber-healthy-->depression.
argh.
Sorry, I know it's not funny, but your last little comment did make me snort in recognition.
Cyberhug
verification word: cxssy
oh, no--it was intended to be amusing. snort away, friend, snort away!
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