Why I don't tell family or most friends about my blog
I should clarify below's post for you. I am not a sado-masochist. I am not horribly depressed. I am simply dealing with feelings from a recent one-night stand. Though aware that guilt is not a logically appropriate response, I can't help feeling that I've done something wrong, demeaned myself in some way, given away the milk for free when I should have held out for a pasture, or something. Puritanical upbringings suck. I'm trying to cope with the imprint left on me by a religion in which I no longer believe. Parsing out one's self from the teachings, histories, and beliefs of others is no mean feat. I was not raised in a hellfire brimstone religion, we were not a God-fearing family, we were a God-loving family. But there was still a high, sometimes absurd, moral code by which we were all expected and striving to live. Face cards were not allowed, as those were symbols of idolatry--we played Rook and Uno instead. Chess slowly eased its way into the families adhering to this belief set, but the more devout still shun this in favor of Checkers. We had not even a drop of cooking alcohol in our house. (My mouth about dropped to the floor when I saw my dad drinking win this Thanksgiving). Dancing was not prohibited that I know of, I just never saw any growing up. Anywhere. Anytime. Dirty Dancing was my first exposure to dancing, and I immediately made the link between dancing and sex--if I were to stop and think about myself mid-dance now, I would probably feel ashamed at my lascivious writhing. Thankfully, music drowns out most of my thoughts, so this rarely happens. It seems the only feeling truly free of guilt is pain. Really, listen to your gospels, read your bible, attend any Protestant church. It's the only time you're really not enjoying yourself, and it seems that what is enjoyable is most likely a sin--ah, to be home-free!
Further, while I now happily and fairly guilt-freely drink down my own wine, and play chess and poker with abandon, the attitudes regarding sex are reinforced everywhere in society. The Women's movement/Feminist movement of the 1970s did less for empowering women than the free love movement of the 60's. If your power lies in your gender, it lies in your body, and if you share your body with someone, you've shared your power. I didn't know the guy well enough the other night to be sharing my personal power...I was just enjoying making out with him. Then there are absurd psychologists and authors telling us about The Rules; if you like a guy, you should never never never go home with on the first date. Or the second date. Or fuck, until you're good and married and already pregnant with his child through some non-sex method. And why? Fuck the double-standard shit, why should it matter to me if a guy takes me home the first night we meet and vice versa? I also have the horrible feeling that it really does matter to some guys. Some? Well, most. And the guy from the other night seems to be among this set. I didn't think our sleeping together meant an upcoming walk down the aisle, but I thought my invitation to a movie was about the right pace. He freaked out and wrote immediately that "I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page-I am not looking for any kind of relationship at all right now..." To see the total turn-around from flirtation and fun and having a relatively easy time of getting to know one another to...well, a complete absence of the above...Are these stupid people right? Does it matter that their arguments are logically flawed? If they've hit the coordination game, and I haven't, though I might be "right", I might as well be holding out for Betamax to beat VHS.
So, I'm tired of feeling guilty for actions I don't truly believe are sins. I'm tired of a Puritanical mindset crowding out any pleasure I might derive from my body (or someone else's). I'm tired of these issues popping up and into any relationship--or one night stand--I might have. And I'm tired of repeated confirmation that having sex with a guy really does ruin your chance to get to know him--even as a pal.
And it's woefully difficult to separate out these 'moral fibers' from the tapestry that is myself. Hell, I wonder how much would even be left of me if I could.
So, I wonder: How long does it take to wash away the sins of the church from oneself?
Further, while I now happily and fairly guilt-freely drink down my own wine, and play chess and poker with abandon, the attitudes regarding sex are reinforced everywhere in society. The Women's movement/Feminist movement of the 1970s did less for empowering women than the free love movement of the 60's. If your power lies in your gender, it lies in your body, and if you share your body with someone, you've shared your power. I didn't know the guy well enough the other night to be sharing my personal power...I was just enjoying making out with him. Then there are absurd psychologists and authors telling us about The Rules; if you like a guy, you should never never never go home with on the first date. Or the second date. Or fuck, until you're good and married and already pregnant with his child through some non-sex method. And why? Fuck the double-standard shit, why should it matter to me if a guy takes me home the first night we meet and vice versa? I also have the horrible feeling that it really does matter to some guys. Some? Well, most. And the guy from the other night seems to be among this set. I didn't think our sleeping together meant an upcoming walk down the aisle, but I thought my invitation to a movie was about the right pace. He freaked out and wrote immediately that "I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page-I am not looking for any kind of relationship at all right now..." To see the total turn-around from flirtation and fun and having a relatively easy time of getting to know one another to...well, a complete absence of the above...Are these stupid people right? Does it matter that their arguments are logically flawed? If they've hit the coordination game, and I haven't, though I might be "right", I might as well be holding out for Betamax to beat VHS.
So, I'm tired of feeling guilty for actions I don't truly believe are sins. I'm tired of a Puritanical mindset crowding out any pleasure I might derive from my body (or someone else's). I'm tired of these issues popping up and into any relationship--or one night stand--I might have. And I'm tired of repeated confirmation that having sex with a guy really does ruin your chance to get to know him--even as a pal.
And it's woefully difficult to separate out these 'moral fibers' from the tapestry that is myself. Hell, I wonder how much would even be left of me if I could.
So, I wonder: How long does it take to wash away the sins of the church from oneself?
Labels: Relationships
posted by slickaphonic at 6:36 PM
4 Comments:
aw, give yourself a break. that guy is a doof (and that's why you don't sleep with them right away--it's not always readily apparent).
yeah but i just feel like my attitudes toward sex (as well as most of this goddamned puritanically based society) are fundamentally screwed the fuck up. It's not about the guy--it's about my feelings that every time i sleep with someone, i've done something wrong...especially if they pay for dinner--then i feel like an outright prostitute. and i shouldn't. i know this intellectually, but i feel horrible every time.
argh.
Argh is right. That disconnect between what we intellectually know, and what has fused itself onto the very fibers of our soul can bring profound angst and confusion. My only solution is to stay diligent and let guilt go. A tibetan teacher once told me (and the 50 other people sitting in the room) that there is a big difference between remorse and guilt. When we've done something truly wrong, something that goes against our own morals or something that has hurt another, remorse is good. It is good to reflect and then learn and resolve not to inflict that particular wrong or hurt again. Guilt, on the other hand, is simply damaging. It does little to help us learn, and often, in a round-a-bout way, leads to more of the same behavior.
Squash the guilt, throw it out, kick its ever-luvin ass!
Ok?
ah, thanks for an excellent point.
Mr. B-Baltimore and I had a long discussion in which he pointed out that I'm quite adept at constructing a 'negative narrative' for a lot of my actions which don't necessarily merit one. I guess the real issue is constructing a system of ethics which I truly stand by...and for sooo long, that system was entirely wrapped up in a protestant religion. So, disentangling the two has been difficult.
But thanks to you both for turning my frown upside down. (!)
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