Dear Fiona

That was my chosen alias. Though it might end up being Liza...

I got to be Dear Abby--but for sex questions--for www.nerve.com. Check it out at the bottom of the page! My sage answers to the scintillating questions should show up this morning some time.

Question: Can I put this on my CV as a publication? Sadly, this would double my published articles...

UPDATE: here's the actual link: http://www.nerve.com/regulars/sexadvicefrom/phdstudents/

Also, they have edited out what I think is funny. Maybe it's because I'm not actually funny. But here are my complete responses:

> Which department's students would you most like to have sex with and why?

Oh, this is a tie between math department boys and art school boys. The
artists are certainly more likely to be hipster hot, but they're also less
likely to be showered clean. On the other hand, the math boys have all of
those hot hot hot math brains, but are less likely to be into sex.

> I'm having trouble focusing on school with all the hot girls
in my class. I've heard taking anti-depressants can help curb your libido.
Should I look into this?

First, that trick only works for the first few weeks or months; the side effect
WILL wear off, leaving you hotter than a dirty old man at a junior high swim camp.
And that will come right around exam time. Second, I’m sure that lopping your fun stick off would also help curb your libido, but you wouldn’t consider something so drastic, no? Antidepressants change your brain chemistry—learning to concentrate despite your surroundings might be a better strategy.

> My boyfriend has this little girl fantasy, which is disturbing me. He
likes me to wear catholic school uniforms or little pink socks when we
make love. Is it weird that he's into that? Should I worry that as I
get older he's going to lose interest in me because he's
youth-obsessed?

Are you disturbed because you don't enjoy this fantasy? Or because you're
afraid he'll stop enjoying you once you can no longer affect the visage of
a 12 year old? If it's the former, ask him to play a different game, mix it up, have him wear a tweed jacket with elbow patches and dark-rimmed glasses… If
it's the latter, I'd be more disturbed that he_actually_wants_to_do_a_12-year-old, and you're the closest thing to legal pedophelia he can get.


My girlfriend is terrible at oral sex. I've been trying to prevent her
from even attempting it but she seems to think I'm just being shy.
Should I try to teach her a few lessons? Or is that insulting?

She's probably not down there to please herself, so the next time you exchange presents, ask her what SHE would like beforehand…then, give her one pointer (no pun intended) when she’s under the tree.

>
> I know I'm not gay but looking at pictures of male underwear models
> kind of turns me on. Is this normal?

Everyone appreciates aesthetically pleasing images, so I wouldn’t worry too much. If giving a guy a blow job kind of turns you on, then it might be time to start questioning some things.

> I'm getting married in 4 weeks and I'm panicked thinking that this is
my only remaining time to sleep with someone else. Shouldn't I get it
out of my system before it's too late?

Would it be okay with you if your sig-o ‘got it out of his/her system’ now? If you are both on board with a last hurrah with a gang of hookers, then go, sow your oats, plow a few fields. But if you’re hoping to sneak a last roll in the hay under the Law of Pre-marital Amnesty, you should be picking up a set of divorce papers along with that marriage license.

> How can I let my boyfriend know that even if he has an orgasm and
can't continue having intercourse that he can still get me off? He
seems to think that once sex is over, it's all over.

Do you both speak English? I suggest words.

My guys friends talk about sex all the time but I feel like it's a
betrayal of my girlfriend (whom I've been with over 5 years) to spill
the details, but then I wind up feeling like the prude at the table.
Should I just make stuff up?

Yeah, I’m sure she’d much rather have you telling your friends about all the sexcapades you’re not having together…Ask her if she minds (she may not, and is perhaps telling details to all of her pals); if she would feel betrayed, then you’re limited to talking about pornos or other guys’ stories.

> My girlfriend hates my ex, whom I'm still friends with and whom I
dated a thousand years ago (in high school). We're just friends now
and we're really good friends but my current girlfriend gets mad when
I talk to her or see her at all. What should I do?

She has to realize that you existed before you met her. You have a past, filled with people who have accompanied you into the present. If this ex were an inconsequential friend, I assume you would have dropped her a while ago to ease tensions with the current girlfriend. Hang out with Exelina in a larger group, and tell Nowawana whenever you see Exelina. You don’t expect her to drop everyone you don’t like, do you? Neither should she.