Story Part XIII

I knew a year ago, before I had taken time to really know myself, that we had so much in common...but the circumstances had prevented me from sharing my inner-world. While this profile certainly had a few falsehoods, I was laid bare--more exposed than I would ever have allowed without that precious cloak of certain anonymity. But, my curiosity having been satisfied, I had no desire to enter into another round of cyber-relations with Sebastian. I also had no desire to hurt him, and it was this wish to be gentle, to be kind which ultimately pulled the situation out of my hands...

After a day of thinking, plotting, reasoned arguing with myself, I wrote my reply:

"But what do we say? I will agree that we have copious amounts in common. This both excites and terrifies me. I think the scales may tip in your direction once you live here. I'll wait to meet you until you've got your very own Chicago address and then--you may find me again. To ease your fears that I'll be whisked away by some other hermit crab, you are the 4th person to ever hotlist me.

Emily"

My plan, so carefully constructed, was to wait one month, and then erase another self from cyber-existence. I thought that my reply held the potential to both reject Sebastian and simultaneously allow him to feel hope--to feel unrejected...

Of course, I know now that one cannot properly reject another without inducing some small bit of pain on that person. And perhaps, in hindsight, a swift and more straightforward rejection--or even an outright refusal to reply--might have been kinder. But these were new waters in which I found myself treading, and I was entirely unsure in which direction lay the shore.

He waited about one hour before sending his reply:

"Emily:

Well, I certainly won't attempt to argue with caution. But I would like to make a few humble submissions:

1. I hope, if we are not to meet, you might entertain the idea of corresponding. At times, I can be mildly amusing.

2. If you throw caution to the wind, I will be in Chicago September 15-18. You could make my weekend with something as innocuous as a coffee meeting.

3. Hermit crabs strike quietly and quickly. Just look at me. Should one emerge, at least give me a fighting chance. Compatibility is a rare thing, never mind shared passion.

4. This is said with head bowed, but I believe myself to be the real deal. And I think you just might be, too, which compels me to make such a bold declaration.

And perhaps I have done just what I said I wouldn't do. But, should these points fall short, I at least have the blessing of both patience and perseverance to fall back upon.

Sebastian"

****

Oh, if only he knew! But my pride prevented me from admitting the truth to him, and until I figured out a new plan, I began to bide my time by cautiously responding to his increasingly bold requests...