Story Part VIII

The day after Sebastian left, I was busy with meetings with the advisor, teaching class--back to the grind, back to reality. The weekend had been a roller coaster of emotion--on paper, he was perfect; on email and phone, ideal...in person, I felt there was potential, but it had gone severely unrealized. I called him that afternoon, but he never answered. I checked my voicemail that evening, but he had never called back. I resorted to our first form of contact, the tried and true email:

"Dear Sebastian,
I'm feeling strangely deflated and I don't know why. Please call me when you have a moment."

There were too many emotions swirling around, pumping through my veins, blinding my insight. I suppose I merely wanted confirmation. And he began to give it to me in obscured, over-prosed words. So hazy was that email, I now find I am unable to fetch it from my mind. But I do remember my response:

"Sebastian,
If I am just not what you're looking for, please be so kind as to tell me plainly."

He replied,

"Lexi,
I apologize for being so opaque. My mind is still trying to process everything. But I just didn't feel any intimacy with you this weekend. I hate to assess our time that way, because I know that intimacy takes time to develop, but I feel I must remain critical in my choices if I am to find happiness. A long-distance relationship is a bear for the both of us, so no, I don't think we should pursue a relationship. If we lived closer to one another, we could certainly date and answer any questions. But we don't. I would like to continue to know you, but we can leave that as something to be discussed. I hope I was at least mildly amusing.

Sebastian."

I was floored. The neurotic mess was rapidly devolving into psychotic mess. I tried to call him so that I could at least have the gift of a two-way conversation during my swift rejection. He did not answer. He emailed again,

"Lexi,
I apologize for not calling. You are much more articulate than I, and it is certainly intimidating to think of speaking with you on the phone. I guess I should apologize for initiating that which I was unable to carry through. You are a remarkable person despite my own hang-ups.

S."

I could not believe my eyes. "More articulate than I"? "Intimidating"? Did he realize the degree to which he was currently patronizing me? Was he really so certain of his abilities to sum up an individual over three days that he would carelessly toss over a month of intense communication? Before he visited, he had told me he loved me! And now, he hoped he was 'at least mildly amusing"?

I snapped. I sent about five emails over the course of four days--each filled to the brim with my thoughts of his emotional immaturity, his psychological hang-ups, his complete ineptness...all couched in "I only want to help you, even if you're not meant to be with me" terms, of course. Clearly I wasn't the crazy one. I was the friendly ex who harbored only slight feelings of rage at the man who dared to break up with me over email rather than taking the opportunity to do so in person, or even on the phone. No, I was fine.

I was also late. A-hem. Late. In that I'm-a-woman-my- body's-a-calendar-surely-time- is-shifting late. If I was fine before, I was now friggin' spectacular.

Obsession became my new passion in life. I began to hate him like I have never hated another human being. Ever. That he could come into my life, fill me with expectations (of course those were not my doing), judge me, potentially knock me up, and then have the audacity to break up with me over email...And after sending those five epic emails depicting every flaw of which I determined he was in possession, I knew I couldn't tell him. Hell, the chances of me getting him on the phone had just gone from slim to none. And I also knew I couldn't tell him until I knew myself, but my fear of being pregnant manifested itself as a fear of taking a pregnancy test.

I had always shaken my finger at others who had refused to be tested for Other Things: "The Test will not change the Reality," I wisely thought. However, it turned out that taking the test lended more Reality to the Possibility. And I just didn't have the courage to do that at the moment.

I had been hanging on by an emotional thread, and it was beginning to fray.

*********

(Note: I will be out of town this weekend for my pals' wedding (yea!!), but stay tuned...)