Story Part I

I've decided to write a short story (somewhat fictional) on internet dating. This is done at the advice of Mr. B-Baltimore, and so, if you are bored to tears, or miss my ramblings occasionally, please direct all hate-mail to him. He needs more e-mail in his life anyway. So, this is Part 1.

Part I

I enjoy writing fake profiles for on-line dating sites. It is not to mislead others, nor is it for other nefarious purposes, such as stalking, baiting, or what-have-you. The fake profiles I write are mostly me, but I change the occupation listed to one of my several dream jobs (photographer, artist, baker, writer, etc). I change my location to a city in which I would like to live (NYC, Chicago, SF). Then, I use photo-shopped pictures of myself. Once I have created my fantasy life, oddly, I am more at ease discussing myself. When I had a "real" profile on-line, I was pithy, sarcastic, witty, and closed. I believe this is quite rational given the audience. However, when I am writing as a dream, I become more real...I divulge my quirks, my awkward personality, my flaws. And with that one magical click, it felt like I was creating a person--bringing into existence a me from another dimension. One that got to leave graduate school and pursue photography in New York. And really, what were the odds he would find that profile?

But I suppose I'm beginning in the middle, and I would hate to confuse everyone. So, if I may take you back a year, this was me, on-line and in the flesh:

Age: 27
Location: San Diego
Occupation: Graduate Student
Education: PhD

Last Great Book I Read: Another Country, Going to Meet the Man, Baldwin; Love in the Time of Cholera, Garcia-Marquez; Of Human Bondage, Maugham; Last Exit to Brooklyn, Selby Jr.

My Most Humbling Moment: I realized I was mid-air and shouting because a man had won on the $25,000 Pyramid 20 years ago. (Yeah, I know this is *embarrassing* and not humbling, but I'm just going with this site's equilibrium interpretation)

Favorite On-Screen Sex Scene: Oh, Screw culture and art. I like the one in Dirty Dancing, damnit. Nooo, I don't feel defensive about this.

If I Could Be Anywhere Right Now: I'd use this power "to be anywhere" for good, not evil.

Best Lie I've Ever Told: Lies make the baby Jesus cry.

Five Items I Can't Live Without: My bike, "funny stories", my dog Suki, things for Suki to hump, fixed point theorems.

Wait, does olive oil count? If so, then I'd like to substitute that for "things for Suki to hump"...he can always hump your leg.

About Me:
Of course, I cannot wholly sum up my yummy goodness in a laundry list, but here goes:

1. I say yummy goodness
2. I'll laugh at your jokes
3. I tell "funny stories"
4. I was the sixth-grade co-ed leg wrestling champ
5. I am both socially and physically flexible
6. I can check your oil, change your tires and cook a pot roast (but not at the same time. that's just freaky and I am not a freak).
7. I am good pool (billiards, that is) partner.
8. I know how to fold that bottom bed sheet.
9. I have a pi tattoo.

Really, I'm quite interesting. I would date myself if the rules allowed, but alas...

What I'm Looking For:
1. You tell me funny stories.
2. You listen to my funny stories, or at least pretend to, and laugh when the conversational cues so prompt.
3. You have a big brain and are not afraid to use it.
4. And finally, when something "piques" your interest, you don't refer to mountains.

Really, I'd like to find someone with whom I can go on a bike ride Saturday morning, to a dive bar Saturday night, and a diner Sunday morning to work on the NYT crossword puzzle.

---

So, that was my on-line self the first time he found me. In my message box, I found the following short and simple invitation into what would be anything but short, and far from simple:

"Why, being so cute, funny and clearly intelligent you would choose to live so far away from me I'll never know. But maybe we could write? I need more of the unattainable in my life anyway.

Sebastian."