A Funny Story
My mother was valedictorian of her high school, straight-A student through college, and really, just quite intelligent. But she's also fond of hyperbole, drama, and playing dumb in order that others may serve her.
While I was in high school, my mother, a teacher, took on an after-school job at a department store to help partially fund her bi-polar spending sprees. She came home one evening as I was finishing up my homework in the kitchen, and upon entering, heaved a sigh heavy with all of the burdens of the world. "Lex, I'm sooo hungry and tired. What can I eat that's easy?" Wow. She was going to fix something herself. This was intriguing.
I offered her suggestions: "Well, you could heat up the leftovers from last night, or you could make a microwave pizza..."
"Pizza!" she exclaimed.
"Okay. Here it is." Since she was actually going to make it herself, I kindly took it out of the freezer for her and handed it over.
She opened the box, took out her meal, and threw away the box, upon which were the directions.
"How do I make it?"
Good Lord. How could a woman, aged 40 years, not know how to cook a friggin' microwave pizza? How had I sprung from her loins? I had just finished my advanced calculus homework, and here I was, having to explain the most trivial of all meal preparations.
But, she was going to cook it, herself. And I wanted to encourage this new, and most welcome behavior.
"Well, you can cook it in the oven so the crust is crispy, or you can--"
"No, that will take too long!"
You'd think she'd been foraging in the forest, eating grass and twigs for two months, as desperate as she seemed for this little pizza.
"Okay, okay. You can just pop in the microwave--put it on the little tray, put it in the microwave for two and half minutes, turn it, and cook it two and a half minutes more."
I left my mother and retreated to my room to ponder the truth of Darwin's theory.
The next evening at dinner, my mother turned to me and said, "Lex, I don't think that pizza turned out right."
"Why?"
"Well, I put it in the microwave for two and half minutes, turned it over, just like you said..."
After my initial shock wore off, I ran to the microwave and inspected the evidence--congealed and burnt tomato sauce, shards of rubbery cheese--all outlining a perfect little square.
Darwin was a fool.
While I was in high school, my mother, a teacher, took on an after-school job at a department store to help partially fund her bi-polar spending sprees. She came home one evening as I was finishing up my homework in the kitchen, and upon entering, heaved a sigh heavy with all of the burdens of the world. "Lex, I'm sooo hungry and tired. What can I eat that's easy?" Wow. She was going to fix something herself. This was intriguing.
I offered her suggestions: "Well, you could heat up the leftovers from last night, or you could make a microwave pizza..."
"Pizza!" she exclaimed.
"Okay. Here it is." Since she was actually going to make it herself, I kindly took it out of the freezer for her and handed it over.
She opened the box, took out her meal, and threw away the box, upon which were the directions.
"How do I make it?"
Good Lord. How could a woman, aged 40 years, not know how to cook a friggin' microwave pizza? How had I sprung from her loins? I had just finished my advanced calculus homework, and here I was, having to explain the most trivial of all meal preparations.
But, she was going to cook it, herself. And I wanted to encourage this new, and most welcome behavior.
"Well, you can cook it in the oven so the crust is crispy, or you can--"
"No, that will take too long!"
You'd think she'd been foraging in the forest, eating grass and twigs for two months, as desperate as she seemed for this little pizza.
"Okay, okay. You can just pop in the microwave--put it on the little tray, put it in the microwave for two and half minutes, turn it, and cook it two and a half minutes more."
I left my mother and retreated to my room to ponder the truth of Darwin's theory.
The next evening at dinner, my mother turned to me and said, "Lex, I don't think that pizza turned out right."
"Why?"
"Well, I put it in the microwave for two and half minutes, turned it over, just like you said..."
After my initial shock wore off, I ran to the microwave and inspected the evidence--congealed and burnt tomato sauce, shards of rubbery cheese--all outlining a perfect little square.
Darwin was a fool.
Labels: Funny
posted by slickaphonic at 12:45 AM
3 Comments:
I ponder Darwin all the time on the subway. Then I look at myself and realize how useless I would be after a nuclear holocaust. I mean, how could I help rebuild society? I don't know the first thing about electricity...all I could do would be describe paintings that no longer exist and the beauty of which would be completely retarded to think about in the face of total destruction of life as we know it. I am quite resistant to pain and rather stubborn, so everyone else would have to wait a long time to get a chance to eat me, however.
You know, in my archaeology class in college, I discovered that I would be a STAR tool maker among cavemen.
So, don't eat me first, people.
I do wonder how long it would take for the re-inventions if some disaster wiped out all knowledge and evidence of some idea's existence...would physics look the same way? maybe we'd screw the dams and harness the lightning bolt for our whingsyw needs (whingsyw would the re-invented ipod's name...becaues I have absolute faith that the ipod would be reinvented first).
hmm. I would hope the first thing we resurrect from the old world would be pancakes.
Post a Comment
<< Home