I Couldn't Make This Up If I Tried.

Today, I’d like to talk about friends. Y’know, how you should choose your buddies, and the art of forgiveness and grace for your pals, who might flub up once in awhile. And when they goof, you should drop them like cold stones in the Arctic. They’re no good. Leave them. Immediately. Don’t dilly dally around with people who have flaws; with people who might lie to you to try to save your feelings—because those people suck.

This, of course, was not my view on life until recently. But Bill O’Reilly has opened my eyes with his heart-warming book, The O’Reilly Factor for Kids: A Survival Guide for America’s Families. I share with you now the pearls of wisdom and goodness dripping from this sage’s pen:

“This guy and I had known each other since first grade and we were pretty solid. At least, I thought we were. Freshman year is always tough because you are the youngest in the school and still trying to figure out the program. There was this dance I wanted to go to, but I didn’t want to go alone. I wanted some guys to hang with so the girls would think I was cool. So I asked my friend, who was usually for this kind of thing, if he would come along. He said he couldn’t go. I said fine and found a couple of other guys to go with me. But when we arrived at the hop, I couldn’t believe my eyes. My so-called friend who told me he couldn’t’ go to the dance was out there doing the twist like a madman. What was up with that? I cornered this so-called friend later, and he admitted that some of the guys he went to the dance with didn’t like me, so he didn’t want me around.
“If that happened in a TV sitcom, everybody would have made up and had a few laughs. But life is different. I never trusted that guy again and rarely spoke to him. Since he never apologized, I think I made the smart decision. He wasn’t a true friend and that happens a lot in life. By not wasting any more time with him, I went on to make real friends, many of whom I hang around with to this day. I’m that kind of guy: once I become friends with you, I’m in for life unless you do something bad to me. Even though I am now famous and successful, I still keep my old friends. And believe me, none of them looks like Jennifer Aniston. It would not be hard being her friend.” (O’Reilly Factor For Kids, page 4).

I'm not even going to touch the creepiness of that last line in a children's book. Well, I'll touch it a little: EWWWW!!!

I'd add more to this, but really, any more jokes of mine would be superfluous humor. This man is a comic genius.