Perfume Should Be Banned.

I'm not a rude person. Really. I try to let the rows of people ahead of me on the shuttle exit first. I usually wait politely while they tug at their bags, which squeezed into the footspace easily enough, but will not, for some reason, pull out. I always wait for the wizened old woman who seems to share my schedule and her quarter-steps to the stairs while forming a human barrier between her and the other anxious commuter cattle, eager for a stampede.

Today, I bolted.

You see, I had been held captive for half an hour in some girl's radius of perfumed hell. All the seats but one on the shuttle had been filled when she stepped on, bringing with her a flowery stench which immediately assaulted my nose. I panicked. The only empty seat left was right in front of me.

I tried in vain to distract myself. I focused intently on my book. I turned up my ipod--maybe music would affect my sense of smell as it does my sense of sight. I even tried breathing through my polyester sweater.

No dice.

I began to feel nauseous. I started thinking about how I might finance an automobile, so that I could avoid her in the future. I glared (at the back of her head--Feel My Death Rays of Hate and Disapproval!!). I looked around--did anyone else seem affected by this offense? Am I actually a superhero in possession of super-scent powers? And if so, why in the hell did I get such a lame superpower? Don't they have dogs for that? God, why is she doing this? Did she not take a shower? Trying to hide equally offensive halitosis? Is her nose numb after years of dousing herself in this impossibly floral scent?

Always a problem-solver, I began to think of solutions.

1) Sell perfume in pre-packaged single servings. You know, like a box full of packets of oatmeal; that way, people could have some sort of guide on the acceptable use of perfume and/or cologne.

2) Invent some sort of disarming spray. It'd be a bit like fabreeze, but it would just de-scent the area...neutralize the offender without adding more offense. (By the way, this has so many applications it boggles my brain--Grandma's house, public restrooms, elevators, apartment complex hallways, New York)

3) Outright ban the shit. Who do they think they're fooling anyway? Nobody smells like that naturally--maybe at some point in human history, but the other cavemen killed them off to mask their scent with that of decaying human flesh--evolution worked. And smoking has been banned in all public spaces (including outdoors) in Calabasas, CA-->is not perfume and/or cologne equally hazardous to my health? If not physical, then obviously mental...

So, akin to my campaign to bring back the pudding pop, I believe I must write my representative and ask that perfume be banned. 'Cause if you can't play nice, you can't play at all.