How To Find Yourself a Stalker
So, you'd like a stalker of your very own, eh? Well, I now offer you tips on stalker shopping.
I've tried to break it down along age and attractiveness lines, so you can narrow your search.
Age: 22-35, Pretty: Mixed. Graduate students. I am one. Not a stalker. But a graduate student. Well, kind of a stalker. I mean, I think that in one situation, I would have qualified as a stalker. But this should not frighten you now. I've already noted I have no interest in dating you; in fact, this post is a bit like a good-hearted and reformed criminal telling you how to keep your house safe. Or how to get robbed for the insurance money. However you'd like to take that.
anyway, back to graduate students. We make excellent stalkers. We have no money and a lot of time on our hands. Oh, and we have access to the internet. And we're all a bit socially retarded. Oh, and we get paid to research the crap out of the inane, the esoteric, the trivial, the minute, etc. So, in a nutshell, we're a bit like detectives for things that don't matter. You do the math.
Age: 18-34. Pretty: High Actors/Actresses. Oh, so you thought all stalkers were ugly, huh? Nope. Now, these individuals don't become stalkers because they're socially retarded, they're just really, really good at playing pretend. So, they may play pretend that they're in a relationship with you. My not-so-pretty guy friend had a hot hot hot actress stalker. She not only pretended he was hot, she pretended he was into her, and from time to time, that she was Australian. But I suppose that's beside the point.
Age: 30-70. Pretty: Low. Professors. All of my stalkers have been professors--generally from the math or science departments. I think they all had Aspy's, too (a mild form of autism --clinical social retardation). Grown up grad students. It just makes perfect sense.
Age: 15-23. Pretty: Real Low. Renaissance Fairs. Some of my male friends' stalkers have been the undergrad girls who are a little awkward, etc. They don't get a lot of social attention in general. These girls flock to renaissance fairs like geese to an open-air bread factory. And if you'd like to wait until they mature into more effective stalkers, wait util they hit grad. school.
I've tried to break it down along age and attractiveness lines, so you can narrow your search.
Age: 22-35, Pretty: Mixed. Graduate students. I am one. Not a stalker. But a graduate student. Well, kind of a stalker. I mean, I think that in one situation, I would have qualified as a stalker. But this should not frighten you now. I've already noted I have no interest in dating you; in fact, this post is a bit like a good-hearted and reformed criminal telling you how to keep your house safe. Or how to get robbed for the insurance money. However you'd like to take that.
anyway, back to graduate students. We make excellent stalkers. We have no money and a lot of time on our hands. Oh, and we have access to the internet. And we're all a bit socially retarded. Oh, and we get paid to research the crap out of the inane, the esoteric, the trivial, the minute, etc. So, in a nutshell, we're a bit like detectives for things that don't matter. You do the math.
Age: 18-34. Pretty: High Actors/Actresses. Oh, so you thought all stalkers were ugly, huh? Nope. Now, these individuals don't become stalkers because they're socially retarded, they're just really, really good at playing pretend. So, they may play pretend that they're in a relationship with you. My not-so-pretty guy friend had a hot hot hot actress stalker. She not only pretended he was hot, she pretended he was into her, and from time to time, that she was Australian. But I suppose that's beside the point.
Age: 30-70. Pretty: Low. Professors. All of my stalkers have been professors--generally from the math or science departments. I think they all had Aspy's, too (a mild form of autism --clinical social retardation). Grown up grad students. It just makes perfect sense.
Age: 15-23. Pretty: Real Low. Renaissance Fairs. Some of my male friends' stalkers have been the undergrad girls who are a little awkward, etc. They don't get a lot of social attention in general. These girls flock to renaissance fairs like geese to an open-air bread factory. And if you'd like to wait until they mature into more effective stalkers, wait util they hit grad. school.
Labels: Funny
posted by slickaphonic at 8:22 PM
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