Courtesy is Confusing
Why is an expression of uncertainty somehow a more courteous response than a simple yes or no?
Example: "Do you want to move your stuff out of my car now?"
"Probably not."
Somehow, this response is preferrable to a simple, "No." Maybe because it leaves a positive probability to both responses in a binary choice while still conveying your probable, natch, action.
And when one of my students is wrong in class--and I mean wrong--I always say, "Hmm, maaay-be," which isn't fooling anyone into thinking that maybe this kid doesn't have his head up his ass, but this is somehow more courteous than, "No. Incorrect, but thank you for trying."
When shopping with one of my friends in high school, I pulled out some apparently hideous raincoat which I really thought had 'character.' I asked her if she liked it and she said, "Yeah, in a not-really-kind-of-way." Again, message clearly conveyed, but uncertainty added in for effect.
And what is the courteous form of "backseat driving"?
Example: Your friend is visiting in town and driving, but knows nothing about the area (and therefore expects directions). Now I, myself, have opted for the I'll-just-confirm-what-you-already-know method of directing: "Now, you're going to make a right up there at that light. And then at that stop, you're going to veer to the left." Somehow, this seems preferrable to "Right at the light," or, "Please make a right," or "RIGHT, DAMNIT! RIGHT!!!"
Example: "Do you want to move your stuff out of my car now?"
"Probably not."
Somehow, this response is preferrable to a simple, "No." Maybe because it leaves a positive probability to both responses in a binary choice while still conveying your probable, natch, action.
And when one of my students is wrong in class--and I mean wrong--I always say, "Hmm, maaay-be," which isn't fooling anyone into thinking that maybe this kid doesn't have his head up his ass, but this is somehow more courteous than, "No. Incorrect, but thank you for trying."
When shopping with one of my friends in high school, I pulled out some apparently hideous raincoat which I really thought had 'character.' I asked her if she liked it and she said, "Yeah, in a not-really-kind-of-way." Again, message clearly conveyed, but uncertainty added in for effect.
And what is the courteous form of "backseat driving"?
Example: Your friend is visiting in town and driving, but knows nothing about the area (and therefore expects directions). Now I, myself, have opted for the I'll-just-confirm-what-you-already-know method of directing: "Now, you're going to make a right up there at that light. And then at that stop, you're going to veer to the left." Somehow, this seems preferrable to "Right at the light," or, "Please make a right," or "RIGHT, DAMNIT! RIGHT!!!"
posted by slickaphonic at 5:53 PM
3 Comments:
this tends to drive me nuts. If I am uncertain, I say so. If I want you to get your stuff out of my car, I tell you. I may be polite, like, "hey, tell me when is a good time to get your stuff out of my car, and I'll drive it over."
But the self-effacingness thing--that female indoctrination just never took with me, and I resent that it is expected.
Courtesy is good, being kind is good. Denying what you want, your real intentions, your real upset, now that is confusing.
Oh, I was referring to the "probably not" as the 'courteous' answer. and i can point to numerous males who do this same thing--so i'm not sure if it's a female indocrination thing (or maybe my guy friends are just overwhelmingly effeminate...)
I agree with your last statement whole-heartedly. and there is no uncertainty there, my friend.
ah, perhaps my age is showing. Being a crusty oldster of Gen X, I do notice there is a huge amazing and quite wonderful difference between me, hard up against the Boomers, and those who are 5-10 years younger.
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